Has it really been this long since I've written?  I need to make it more of a point to come on and write my feelings..boy do I have so many feelings!

Last year I found out that I had something called a "uterine didelphys" . It's basically a double uterus and two cervixes, crazy huh?! I met an amazing Dr. and his name is Dr. Duffy at the FIRM in Jacksonville. We spent all of last year trying to correct my busted uterus so that we can finally have a baby. A ton of Lupron, 3 surgeries and an emergency surgery later I am finally fixed.

I am fixed. I can now have healthy babies. Just typing that is so surreal for me. I have gone through so much in the past couple of years and to think this is a new chapter is crazy to me.

We moved to Hawaii in early December and last Thursday I met with an RE here. We decided to give IUI a try for a few cycles because we are too impatient and want our baby :P Today I started Clomid and I will go back Monday to see how everything looks! We did the ultrasound today and it looks like I have 7 follicles on the Left side and 9 on the right side and my lining is 6.5..kind of thin but still pretty early!

When I found out that I had UD I didn't know what to think, I was so pessimistic that we'd never have any babies of our own. The doctor said he could fix it but I had already had so much heartbreak I just figured it wasn't in the cards for me. I immediately googled my condition and to be honest it's extremely rate so I didn't find much. 1 in every 3000 woman have UD and I'm one of the "lucky" ones.

I don't want this post to be too long since I plan on writing more so that's it for now!

PS if anyone has questions about a septate uterus or UD and surgery ask away!

Valentines day

I find myself a little bummed out today....wait, I take that back..try WAY bummed out. Today started out like a typical day woke up late, scrambled to put my happy face on, went to class, then went to work...I even did something out of the ordinary when I got my brows did, the guy waxed my upper lip (psh like it needed it..it really didnt) I'm a push over so I did it. As soon as I opened the front door this afternoon I was overcome with a what the fuck feeling...what the fuckkkkkkkk.. I miss my husband, I miss him home messing up my kitchen and annoying our dogs. I look at pictures of us and think "man, i dont even remember what its like when he's here"..and that my friends was EXACTLY how I didnt want to feel.

I think im so sad because I havent gotten an email today...boy I wish I'd have gotten an email..fuggggg

Take 2

My husband left for deployment 2 weeks ago, I cant believe he's gone again. I feel more at ease this time actually, maybe it's because he's only been back for a short time. I work fulltime now and go to school full time so I am staying pretty busy and that is helping. I've decided I want to become a Paralegal, I think that is the right fit for me.

I'm sitting here typing away about what's been going on, but all I can think about is what we've been through these past year. Before I hit new post to update this I took a quick look at what I've written and I am just shocked.... In the past year my husbands gotten back from a deployment, we bought a house, got 2 dogs, got pregnant, lost a baby, and now we're on another deployment...Life is funny dont you think? You dont realize how fast everything changes but it does...To be honest it's kind of scary how things can change so fast.

Dustin and I's anniversery is coming up, I still cant believe it's been this long...boy has time passed..We have had a ton of ups and downs but boy do I love that man..I miss him more than anything in this world right now.  It's funny how you miss the little things when they are gone--like the hookah sitting in the middle of  my living room table, or the messy counters...Everytime he comes home he swings the front door open and yells "baby!"..i miss that...man I would give anything to hear that right now. You never really realize how much you miss someone until they are actually gone.

Whether I like it or not, this is real.

Today was my last appointment to see if the hcg was out of my system..I've dreaded this day for a while because that meant losing this baby would be real..I could no longer hold onto a thought that i was still pregnant. Sitting in the lab was so upsetting, I was the ONLY ONE who wasnt expecting a baby, I had to leave just so i didnt cry in front of anyone..I mean that was supposed to be me and it was taken from me...after waiting 2 and a half hours for my results they came back 2.03 which is essentially 0..We can start trying again if we want to at any time..I really want a baby but it took us 4 months to get pregnant in the begining and Dustin leaves Jan for yet ANOTHER deployment.

As weird as it sounds I feel relieved finally confirming I am no longer pregnant..no baby, no hormone, no nothing..I can finally start living my life again...I almost feel free

A letter to our bean.

I loved you before I knew you were in my tummy..I loved you even before we knew we wanted to start trying..You were the one thing that I prayed for every night and I am so glad I finally got to know what it feels like to be your mommy <3

From the moment I realized I was pregnant I daydreamed about meeting you, loving you was so easy..one of the easiest things I have ever done in my life...It just felt right when you were with me. I thanked god every time I could because he gave me the best gift in the entire world..you.. God decided he needed you more than I did, he knew how much of an angel you really were. When you left me took a peice of my heart with you, and when I finally realized you were gone I fell to my knees and whispered I love you.

I know we will meet again some day, and we will pick up right where we left off <3 I love you bean.

It's been too long.

It has been far too long since I have written, too be honest I've just been so caught up in my life....so caught up in being in love..We now have two huskies named Oden and Thor and they are my world.  We got Thor from a shelter and he has been so completely amazing, so has Oden.

 We are still far away from completing our house..I mean we have all of the basics, just alot of empty rooms. Dustin and I will be able to spend our first christmas in our new home together. I'm actually really looking forward to it!! We got our first christmas tree, its real and it is amazing!

We found out we were pregnant November 3rd..We were so very excited we were going to be able to start our family.. I left to visit my family on the 9th and got back the 16th. My family was so happy and excited for us. On the 17th I miscarried. I am still so very heartbroken and bitter..I'm getting better though and I hope we can make a baby soon. I miss my bean like crazy.

What I have realized going through this is that I have an amazing support system..my friends, family and my husband have been so supportive during this time. I am truly lucky with the life that I have

Next Chapter

Welp my hubby is no longer in Iraq!! He got back a few days ago and today he is going to our house!! I have to admit I am a little jealous I cant be there with him yet, but hes coming in a few days for my sisters birthday party and then off I go to Jacksonville! I made sure to tell him he has to take lots and lots of pictures for me!

We pick up Oden on the 8th and I cant wait to meet him! I got him his first toy yesterday at the puppy strore, everyone says he will rip the squeeker out but I know my little Odie wont do that >< ... He better not anyways.

I cant wait to see my husband...I cant wait to wake up to him every morning like a wife is supposed to, I'm excited to somewhat have a "normal" life.

we've decided to change our website to something more supportive..and what is more supportive than a military support forum?! The site is www.notsosilentranks.com so if you are a military SO then join! it really is turning out to be great!


thats all for now.