Whether I like it or not, this is real.

Today was my last appointment to see if the hcg was out of my system..I've dreaded this day for a while because that meant losing this baby would be real..I could no longer hold onto a thought that i was still pregnant. Sitting in the lab was so upsetting, I was the ONLY ONE who wasnt expecting a baby, I had to leave just so i didnt cry in front of anyone..I mean that was supposed to be me and it was taken from me...after waiting 2 and a half hours for my results they came back 2.03 which is essentially 0..We can start trying again if we want to at any time..I really want a baby but it took us 4 months to get pregnant in the begining and Dustin leaves Jan for yet ANOTHER deployment.

As weird as it sounds I feel relieved finally confirming I am no longer pregnant..no baby, no hormone, no nothing..I can finally start living my life again...I almost feel free

A letter to our bean.

I loved you before I knew you were in my tummy..I loved you even before we knew we wanted to start trying..You were the one thing that I prayed for every night and I am so glad I finally got to know what it feels like to be your mommy <3

From the moment I realized I was pregnant I daydreamed about meeting you, loving you was so easy..one of the easiest things I have ever done in my life...It just felt right when you were with me. I thanked god every time I could because he gave me the best gift in the entire world..you.. God decided he needed you more than I did, he knew how much of an angel you really were. When you left me took a peice of my heart with you, and when I finally realized you were gone I fell to my knees and whispered I love you.

I know we will meet again some day, and we will pick up right where we left off <3 I love you bean.

It's been too long.

It has been far too long since I have written, too be honest I've just been so caught up in my life....so caught up in being in love..We now have two huskies named Oden and Thor and they are my world.  We got Thor from a shelter and he has been so completely amazing, so has Oden.

 We are still far away from completing our house..I mean we have all of the basics, just alot of empty rooms. Dustin and I will be able to spend our first christmas in our new home together. I'm actually really looking forward to it!! We got our first christmas tree, its real and it is amazing!

We found out we were pregnant November 3rd..We were so very excited we were going to be able to start our family.. I left to visit my family on the 9th and got back the 16th. My family was so happy and excited for us. On the 17th I miscarried. I am still so very heartbroken and bitter..I'm getting better though and I hope we can make a baby soon. I miss my bean like crazy.

What I have realized going through this is that I have an amazing support system..my friends, family and my husband have been so supportive during this time. I am truly lucky with the life that I have